exploding laterally in all directions
by ideas, problems, fantasies, plans, abstractions
ripping me open
I cannot see the day
the world of abstractions seems MORE real to me than the world of events
ask me what happened last week and I’ll include a lot of things that only happened in my mind – the development of new perspectives, solutions, worries etc.
I don’t want this
It’s not clever
Abstractions can blind you
words conceal as much as they reveal
I want to see clearly
I want to enter the world, where I’m supposed to live
‘Awwwh, but you mean I have to look at the cars in the street, instead of think about something interesting?’
No. You don’t have to be mindfully present and aware of your physical surroundings all the time.
I just want the ‘default me’ to exist in the present, rather than in my head
I don’t just want to meditate a bit etc balh balaaah blah – no, not enough
I want MORE than that
I want to be able to see what I look at. Looking is not seeing.
that is my goal.
To see what I look at, most of the time.
I want to solve problems with my hands instead of my head.
I want to get back INTO my life.
‘What’s going on today, I want to be involved’ – I will say when I wake
Enough unanchored dreams.
Enough ideas – don’t be so greedy and impatient young man!
this is a change in reference. The reclaiming of the ‘present self’ over the future one. The reclaiming of the day over the years.
Ideals should be embodied.
This is about embodiment.
I’ve been disembodied.
I’m moving house. I’ve been a gypsy in the realm of dreams – not as fun as it sounds – and I’m coming home to the place where things unfold, not where they did unfold, nor where they could unfold, nor how they might’ve unfolded – but where the action happens.
Why did I ever go in there?
Looking for answers?
Looking for solutions to problems?
Escaping boring class rooms?
Escaping stressed teachers?
Trying to survive in an environment where I was utterly under-stimulated and utterly under developed- all at once?
HUNTING for something.
Let’s be less metaphorical. I was trying to find conceptual solutions to real problems, to gratify my need for stimulation and to understand the world and things that interest me on a deeper level.
Those reasons are not all that bad.
The problem is when a preference for novelty and new ideas (openness to experience) teams up with a sensitivity to threat (neuroticism) and gets you constantly coming up with solutions and ideas to solve your problems and realise your numerous fantasies.
This is not a healthy integration of those traits.
A healthy integration means that ‘the day’ and ‘the present’ in particular are seen as the things that everything else revolves around. The day is the center of gravity, and the present self is the center of efficacy and power.
Ok, this isn’t a complete solution to everything. In a s